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EXCLUSIVE: New Hillsong bands

Hillsong are one of the biggest names in modern contemporary worship. But they aren’t content with being ‘one’ of the biggest. They want to be the name in modern contemporary worship. And All4God can today exclusively announce they have undertaken a plot to form enough different Hillsong bands to totally dominate the worship music business all by themselves, leaving no room for competitors who have stolen their template of lively opening number, heavy drums, big stadium rock anthem, several slower reflective songs rounded off with a big jump and praise finale.
In the past few years Hillsong have expanded from just Hillsong to Hillsong, Hillsong United, Hillsong Chapel, Hillsong Live, Hillsong London, and Hillsong Kids.{ I even got an email from iTunes the other day to inform me of a new Spanish language Hillsong release – kudos for trying Apple, but my Spanish is limited to two phrase. One of which is a chat-up line (Tienes los ojos bellos), the other being Mi no comprendo. Not really sure what the use of the chat-up line is given that the only thing I can say after someone responds to it is ‘I don’t understand’…. }
The days of an all Hillsong worship Top 20 are surely near – Chris Tomlin must be getting worried. Look out for these new Hillsong band brands bringing their songs to a worship service near you soon

  • Hillsong Hymnal – aimed at the traditionalist market – combines the modern style of Hillsong with good old fashioned hymnals so you can praise God in the Hillsong-dominated era without missing out on the classic hymnal scent (slogan “I’m bringing hymnal back, them PowerPoint users don’t know how to act”)
  • Hillsong Dubstep – dubstep has inexplicably become the big thing in the music scene, so expect Hillsong to jump on that bandwagon soon, prompting outrage from the guitar traditionalists who will be outraged at attempts to break such modernity into church services – surely everyone knows God only approves of songs written in three chords for the guitar?
  • Hillsong Bagpipes – they have a London and a Spanish branch, it surely can’t be long before they discover the unique musical sound offered by Scottish bagpipes. Expect the album art to feature the band in Braveheart facepaint. Debut song: Satan, you’ll never take our freedom in Christ
  • Hillsong Toddlers – they have United which is aimed at young people and Kids for the children, but toddlers want to praise too. Will have an accompanying range of bibs with slogans such as “I have the best Father in the universe”
  • Hillsong ISS – inevitably there will come a day when Hillsong run out of new places to expand to. At which point they will have no option but to launch the first space based worship team in the International Space Station – Louie Giglio would surely approve.